الدواء لا يؤدى إلى تحسن الاكتئاب!! Dear Professor Dr Wael Abu Hendi Really I don't know how can I begin, but anyway firstly, I have graduated from faculty of science (Microbiology dept) my grade was very good with honour degree, so I got a position in the national research centre (Egypt) as a researcher assistant, I finished my MSC degree in 2000, and I got a scholarship from a German organisation (DAAD) to get my Ph. D and now I am in Germany since 1.06.02. I am married and I have two children, my daughter (4 year old) and my son (two year old). The problem begins during my study in the faculty that my friends told me you are talking in a very fast way and we don't understand you. so in the last year of my study I visited a physician (for nose, ear, and pharynx), he told me , no you speak in a very normal way, however you can go to ELdemerdash hospital and visit a specialist in the problems of talking, then I visited such physician and I told him that I am speaking in a very high rate, he said no, your rate in speaking is normal but you have another problem , your voice is not clear , there is (BAHAH ,in Arabic, ),then he begun to check my vocal cords with something connected to the microscope, then he said there is a bilateral invagination in the vocal cords, and this is the cause of this(BAHAH) and he said you need a training course to learn a new technique of talking to avoid stress in he vocal cords, this was in 1994, then I joined to the military service and after it I begun to learn this technique, from 1995 to1998 without any progress to learn such technique , in that time I mean in 1996 I loved a girl who is working with me in the national research canter (my wife now, and I talk with here and I found here also love me, after that I was very worried and I was trying to learn this technique as soon as possible, especially this person who was learn me this technique told me that it possible to loss you voice , and this what happened to me during my engagement , I was not able to open my mouth to speak at all, also I feel a big pain in my neck , especially when I was thinking in the problem, then I visited a Professor of the talking problem, in Heliopolice, I think his name was Dr ……….. he told me you have to learn this technique again which is , to learn how to take a breath and talk through the abdomen to avoid any stress to the vocal cords, I made with him more thane 30 meeting without any progress, in addition to the increase of that pain in my neck, then my money is finished , so I went back to Eldemerdash hospital again, and I met another Professor and I told her my suffering , she said , what is that, you don't have any problem in your vocal cords and there is no any reason for such pain, you have depression , so please go to the psychiatric dept, and she wrote a note and gave it to me to go there. Then my Sir begun my story with the psychiatry, this was in 01.05.1998. Really at that time i believed that this was the place which I needed since long time. Then I went there and met Dr………….. , and I told her this story and found myself begun to tell here how I was suffering during my childhood until the first year of my study in the university, because I was very short in comparison to my friends and how they were injure me too too too too much and I talked with here about this period for long time , really it was very hard time especially I was not only short but I was appeared as a child due to a late maturation which begun only in the first or second year of the faculty , and now I am tall, I mean in comparison to the other , I am180 cm tall , .............Then she said, this physicians in the department of talking problem mad a big mistake with you.......... then she said but you have a depression all over your life since you were a child, because of this shortness, then when this problem was disappeared you searched for another reason of depression which was the voice problem, and she said you have 'obsessive compulsive disorder', and gave me some medicine ( Favrine and others) and she said you need also cognitive psychotherapy. actually after taking this medicine I didn't feel that pain in my neck and my mode became better, however there was a stretch in my shoulder, abdomen, jaws when I talk, I mean I stretch myself, then i made some cognitive psychotherapy, but I didn't continue and I visited many psychiatric Doctors (Dr……………… and other) and I have taken a lot of medicines ( Anfranil, cipramil, tryptozol, and others). I take this antidepressant for about two years also I mad a relaxation techniques without progress. Then I stopped this medicine (around 1999), I would like to tell you that since my graduation I was working in two job, the main one in the national research centre (from 8 to 15.30 o'clock) and an additional one afternoon in a medical laboratory (from 16 to 23 o'clock) ………… , and I married in 1999 without feeling of any happiness, then I got my daughter and then my son without any feeling of happiness at all, then getting my MSC without sense. Also I didn't tell my family anything of all this problems at all and also I didn't tell my wife anything. Then I got this scholarship to get my Ph. D in Germany. After my arrival to Germany in 01.06.02, I visited also a physician, and he gave me antidepressant (Thomboran, regramil, cipramil,) I was taking this medicine regularly, however this depression and stretch didn't finished but increase. But I was able to work in the laboratory, and I was alone, because my wife stayed in Egypt to finish here Ph. D. and I achieved some success with the German and everything was OK, especially I transferred a lot of money to my wife and also my parent. Then suddenly I faced a lot of problems together, Firstly with the assistant of my Professor, this was in 1.5.03, then he discriminate me and I feel I lost my work, especially at that time my wife finished here Ph. D, then I found myself without money that I transferred most of it to Egypt, and I mad also holiday in Egypt which coasted a lot of money, I would like to say here that since my coming to Germany I didn't try to know any Egyptian or even Arabic people, I was working in the laboratory from 8 to 10 o'clock PM, then at the beginning of juli. 03, I feel something like pain in my nervous system , feeling of fear, of anxiety, but it was too too too much , like the feeling of electricity pass all over my body , this feeling like when somebody afraid from something, but usually this feeling take few second with the normal people, but with me it continued 40 days continuously , until I phoned one Egyptian friend in USA, and I cried too much and tell him all this stories, and this was the first time to tell anybody anything about all this suffering, after this calling, 80% of that pain and feeling was finished. Then he told my family in Egypt and this was the first time to hear about all this suffering and he told me to try to talk to the Egyptians in my city in Germany. Then my parents phoned me and I cried with them also Then in 1.10.03 my wife and my children arrived to Germany. I visited my Doctor here, he didn't say anything, and he changed the medicine and gave me also something like VALIUM, without any progress. Then I visited other Arabic Doctor in Berlin which is far from my city (4h by train) to talk with him in Arabic at 1.11.03. Also I told him this entire long story, he said you have nothing other than depression but you need just to support yourself and increase your self-confidence by doing special course with specialist. But I am not able to do it now in Germany because of money and time. This Doctor phoned my german Doctor in my city (Rostock) and suggested other medicine. So now I am taking medicine called Zoloft and trimipramil (German name). Now I am more or less better than before. I will try to summarize my symptoms: 1- All symptoms of depression like, sadness, closed appetite, I can't Lough at all even with my children , I can't enjoy with any positive or good things at all even sex, no feeling to any body even my parents or my children . 2- When I talk to anybody, I stretch my shoulder, my neck and my jaws, so sometime nobody here me, however when I talk to anybody, then if he give me the feeling that I am right or good, suddenly I stopped this stretching spontaneously, I think there is wrong order from my brain to stretch or contract this regions or might be to stop talking, so I stretched my jaws. I think might be somebody other than me is talking and not me 3- I feel something like other person or like a Radio in my brain who always talk, and repeat all thing happened in the day or say about what I have to do or to say, I feel myself like an artist talking and Lough despite this is not my real talk, I always here the voice of my father or other person criticize me and say, do that or don't do that even during doing my experiments in the laboratory, I here his voice criticize me 4- Sure there is no self-confidence at all, no dreams in the future, no wishes nothing at all, I feel myself like a dead person, no feeling at all even sadness feeling, I think if I hear a news of death of anybody closed to me , I will not react by anyhow. But anyway, I might be have little self confidence from the scientific point of view 5- I think I was not talking in fast way, but I was hesitating only in the beginning of talking, and this might was due to absence of self-confidence 6- My wife, who is also work in the national research centre and finished her Ph. D, always say that I am very clever or genius and the best person in our department, and also my Egyptian Professors say that, and also here in Germany my German Professor say that I am extremely active and good researcher, however I can't believe them, or I can't feel that, despite that when I talked to my Egyptian colleagues who are also doing there Ph. D here in Germany, I discovered that there scientific level and also there German language are not so good. 7- I feel myself as one who was running for long time, more than 30 years to achieve one happy minute but doesn't reach it 8- I think my parents are responsible to what happened to me, because there relationship to each other was more than bad, and I think they didn't do anything positive during my suffering of dwarf or shortness during my childhood 9- I think the real or the sever depression was only in 1998 and since the last July, but before that, might be it was moderate depression with sever anxiety 10-at the beginning of my work here in Germany, the way of the assistant of my Professor with me was very bad, however, I withstood him and his criticism and others, and I believed, that the problem is due to me not them, but later I have known from the others, that this person is bad and this was one not the first time to behave in a bad manner with people. So I was patient more than need so he wasted a lot of my time, and I think this was one of the essential reasons of the severe depression later 11- I thought to suicide or to kill myself two times, the first one was in 1998, when I feel that pain in my neck and lost the ability to speak during my engagement , and the second one was in the last August during that sever depression and the feeling of sever fear and anxiety, and sure my real wish now is to die by somehow as soon as possible, actually I don't know why I came to this life or why God create me, and let me to the devil to play with me, I was suffering all over my life 12- I always dream since my childhood the same dream, which is that I am in an exam and I have no time to complete the answer or something wrong always happen during the exam. 13-Sure I always criticize myself in anything I do and always think in the impression of people of me, I think I am not only criticize myself but I kill it 14- I think I used most of the antidepressant either in Egypt or in Germany, in 1999 Dr …… ……… suggested to take 'Electric shock' as a solution but I didn't do it. 15- I suggest 'play with devil 'as a title to my story, but I don't know who is the devil exactly, is it the society and people, is it my parents, is it the physicians who I trust in and met them in my life or might be my wife who is suffering from sever obsessive compulsive disorder with slight depression symptoms (this is my opinion) ……. 16- I think my wife has other psychological problems, which I might tell it to you later, so please don't depend on here to help me too much because I think she need help more than me I don't know why I write to you, and how could you help me, but anyway all what I need in this time is, how to let myself stable until finishing my Ph. D in Germany in 1.01.05, that mean after one year until go back to Egypt Finally I would like to thank you very much I am sorry for writing in English, but this because I don't have Arabic keywords, also sorry for my bad English With my best regards Researcher assistant in the National Research centre of Egypt Ph. D student Germany
لا أعرف من أين أبدأ
لقد تخرجت من كلية العلوم وعملت في مصر ثم حصلت على منحة في ألمانيا للحصول على درجة الدكتوراه. بدأت مشكلتي عندما قال لي أحد أصدقائي أنني أتحدث بسرعة كبيرة ومن ثم لا يستطيع الآخرون فهمي. وذهبت إلى أطباء ومتخصصين في التخاطب ومنهم من قال أن سرعة الكلام عادية ومنهم من طلب منى الالتزام بتدريبات معينة ولم أتحسن. وقيل لي أنني قد أفقد صوتي وهذا ما حدث بالفعل في فترة خطوبتي.
ثم عانيت من الآم في الرقبة ولم تتحسن سوى بمراجعة طبيبة قالت أن مشكلتي لا يجب أن تسبب أي ألم وأني في حاجة إلى علاج نفسي. ومع معالج آخر شكوت من الماضي حيث تأخر بلوغي فكنت لفترة طويلة قصير القامة مقارنة بزملائي ومن ثم كان ذلك يجرحني كثيراً جداً جداً، وقال لي أن علاج التخاطب كان خطأ كبير فلم يكن التشخيص صحيحاً! وأنني أعانى منذ الصغر من الاكتئاب، وأعانى من الوسواس القهري.
أخذت علاج دوائي وتحسنت ثم بدأت أشكو من كتفي وحصلت على علاج نفسي ولم استمر ثم ذهبت لطبيب نفسي آخر وأخذت علاج آخر لفترة ثم توقفت. وبدأت أشعر بعدم السعادة وأنجبت طفلين ولم أخبر أي أحد عن مشكلاتي. ثم جاءتني منحة إلى ألمانيا وهناك زرت طبيب نفسي وأخذت بعض الأدوية ولم يقل الاكتئاب بل زاد.
ثم فجأة واجهت عدة مشكلات معاً مع الأستاذ وشعرت أنني فقدت عملي فعدت لمصر وبدأت أشكو من قلق والآم في الجهاز العصبي وهو قلق كالذي يشعر به الناس حين يخافون من شيء ما لكنه استمر معي لمدة 40 يوم حتى حكيت لصديقي وتحسنت بعدها بنسبة80% وأخبرت أسرتي لأول مرة. وزرت طبيب ولم أتحسن مع الدواء ثم زرت طبيب عربي وقال أن لدى اكتئاب ولست في حاجة سوى إلى أن أساعد نفسي وزيادة الثقة بالنفس من خلال دورة متخصصة ولم أقم بذلك بسبب الوقت والمال ثم ذهبت لمعالج آخر وأخذت دواء آخر.
سأحاول أن ألخص أعراضي:
1-كل أعراض الاكتئاب.
2- أعراض عضوية في الكتف والرقبة.
3- أشعر وكأن هناك راديو يعمل باستمرار في مخي ويكرر كل ما يحدث.
4- بالطبع ليس لدى ثقة في النفس.
5- أعتقد أنني لا أتحدث بسرعة ولكني أتردد قليلا في البداية.
6- تعتقد زوجتي وأساتذتي أنني ذكي جداً وعبقري وأنني أفضل شخص في القسم ولكني لا أشعر بذلك.
7- أشعر أنني أجرى طول الوقت للوصول إلى السعادة ولكني لا أصل إليها.
8- أعتقد أن والداي مسئولان عما حدث لي.
9- أعتقد أنني أخذت كل أنواع مضادات الاكتئاب فيما عدا الصدمات الكهربية.
10- أعتقد أن زوجتي لديها بعض المشكلات النفسية.
في النهاية أشكركم كثيراً. وما أحتاجه منكم هو كيف أحافظ على نفسي متزناً حتى أنتهي من الدكتوراه من ألمانيا وأعود إلى مصر.
12/2/2004 |
